One answer is: It depends. Often it hinges on one key factor.
And yet—sometimes it’s rapid and relatively simple: Sometimes, big changes ensue when someone makes a new decision—that they will now look honestly at their behavior, and their attitudes, after an extended period of denying or minimizing or rationalizing them to themselves and others.
They decide, in a newly determined way: I will work on myself.
Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” I think ‘make up their minds’ is the key here.
Years ago I worked with a fellow struggling with some destructive addictive patterns. One day, he said, “You know, I’m gonna heal from this.” It was an expression of his determination, a decision and willingness (more on that key factor later). And he did, in fact, work through his addiction so it was much less of a problem.
Lincoln was apparently pointing to something about human nature—that while we don’t have full control of how we feel, or how much we’re able to change, there is nonetheless a distinct power in our ability to make a choice. It’s a powerful moment when someone decides to deal with their issues head on, as best they can. The results are never perfect, but they’re often significant. At times they’re quite profound.
Rather than a certain technique or therapy framework used by a counselor or therapist, the strongest factor in clients making change that I’ve seen is that they make a decision, they become willing, to grapple with what ails them. They connect to a willingness inside themselves to look at their self-defeating responses and behaviors. Willingness is the opposite of resistance. We don’t have to know how to solve a problem or make a change—but our resistance and reluctance must be set aside, and an attitude of true willingness brought in.
One of the ways a therapeutic retreat helps with that decision, is that it gives the client no easy out, no convenient way to wait out a therapy 50-minute session.
Wait it out? Yes, in the sense that almost every person engaging in therapy is at least somewhat ambivalent about making changes. If they can be really honest with themselves, they will often see that they’ll begin therapy, state a desire to change, but then at least some of the time, do their part to stall any change happening. Why stall changing? Because change involves letting go of something, and doing something new- and both are usually uncomfortable.
When I hear someone say, “That’s a good idea; I’ll think about it,” the last four words are a great way to stall; “I’ll think about it” is code for “maybe, someday, but maybe not. I don’t mean people are consciously stalling. The tendency to resist change is often not fully in awareness.
Just like the tendency to tell long, elaborate anecdotal tangents; to change the topic to something they’re more comfortable with; to focus on all the obstacles to making changes instead of the possibility to change- these are not-so-conscious ways that we all resist taking action.
This ambivalence is very human—we all experience it. We both want to change, and also, don’t want to do the work, or give up what will be required to give up in order to make changes. We naturally don’t want to be uncomfortable (who likes being uncomfortable, after all), and making changes almost always involves experiencing discomfort in some form. As the old saying goes—no pain, no gain: Not always, but often, true.
Consider the person who wants to be more fit and exercise more. They sincerely want fitness—but, do they want to get out of bed 60 or 90 minutes earlier a few days a week, to go and run or walk or hit the gym to make it happen? Including when it’s rainy, dark, or chilly? Often, not. There’s the conflict in plain sight.
With the multi-day format of a retreat, I’ve found, the format itself is quite supportive of holding oneself accountable. The mixed feelings and even resistance can be worked with more effectively. Filibustering for three days isn’t realistic.
As we gain insight about how inevitable it is, how human, to be conflicted—most likely on a regular basis, one part of us is willing to the harder thing, and another wants to avoid, to stay comfortable—we can use that awareness to make decisions based on our values, rather than on our feelings, or the urge to avoid what’s difficult. We cultivate a higher order understanding, that not all our urges or feelings are a good basis for decisions. That’s wisdom, and with a bit of it we can live a wiser life.
